LIFE ONBOARD

Life onboard is uneventful, except that a shark ate my cell phone. The details aren’t important. I wouldn’t even have mentioned it if I hadn’t received my Verizon bill. The serrated-toothed bastard had racked up $167.00 in texting charges. I hated sharks before but now it’s all out war.  
LOB does require some adjustments. I usually spend the day onboard in a deck chair (with a beer of course) and list out all the important boat maintenance items that need attention. Then I come up with reasons not to do any of them. A day can pass in the blink of a bloodshot eye employing this technique. I still can’t believe that my lovely wife declined to accompany me on this fantastic voyage. “It’s too sticky & sweaty and the toilet smells” were her reasons. The breeze billowing through your hair as seagulls slide up into the heavenly blue sky & look down on the emerald green sea meant nothing to her. So I sit here alone taking in all of this wonder with the realization that it would even be more glorious if it wasn’t so sticky & sweaty and the toilet didn’t stink.
I also didn’t know how warm my cabin got until I tried an afternoon nap. I looked at the thermometer which radiated 108 degrees. I wisely switched on the AC. When it cooled down to 103, I inexplicably switched it off. Go figure. Maybe I was concerned that the Captain would disapprove of the power drain. He’s a bit crusty as Captains are wont to be. And in spite of my proclaiming myself First Executive Officer, he’s made it quite clear that he’s in charge. I think I can live with that although I feel a bit silly wearing this housedress. Luckily I figure my wife’s home with the AC cranked up watching Project Runway. She can help me accessorize my ensemble if I can only catch that damn shark and call her.