LIFE ONBOARD

Life onboard is uneventful, except that a shark ate my cell phone. The details aren’t important. I wouldn’t even have mentioned it if I hadn’t received my Verizon bill. The serrated-toothed bastard had racked up $167.00 in texting charges. I hated sharks before but now it’s all out war.  
LOB does require some adjustments. I usually spend the day onboard in a deck chair (with a beer of course) and list out all the important boat maintenance items that need attention. Then I come up with reasons not to do any of them. A day can pass in the blink of a bloodshot eye employing this technique. I still can’t believe that my lovely wife declined to accompany me on this fantastic voyage. “It’s too sticky and sweaty and the toilet smells” were her reasons. The breeze billowing through your hair as seagulls soar up into the heavenly blue sky and look down on the emerald green sea meant nothing to her. So I sit here alone taking in all of this wonder with the realization that it would even be more glorious if it wasn’t so sticky and sweaty and the toilet didn’t stink.
I also didn’t know how warm my cabin got until I tried an afternoon nap. I looked at the thermometer which radiated 108 degrees. I wisely switched on the AC. When it cooled down to 103, I inexplicably switched it off. Go figure. Maybe I was concerned that the Captain would disapprove of the power drain. He’s a bit crusty as Captains are wont to be. And in spite of my proclaiming myself First Executive Officer, he’s made it quite clear that he’s in charge. I think I can live with that although I feel a bit silly wearing this housedress. Luckily, I figure my wife’s home with the AC cranked up watching Project Runway. She can help me accessorize my ensemble if I can only catch that damn shark and call her.