25 Things I Have Learned Living in Cabarete.

1.  Of the approximately 3000 North Americans here, 4 are Americans. The rest are Canadian.

2.  Everyone from the Nordic Countries is named Peter, often spelled without the second “e”. This includes women.

3.  No one likes French-Canadians. (Don’t shoot the messenger, si vous plait.)

4.  If someone begins a conversation with “The Dominicans should…,” they are obviously tourists.

5.  No matter how much you spend for a motorcycle helmet here, you will still die.

6.  Your happiness as well as your survival depends on developing a laid back, easy going, casual, imperturbable, unruffled, cool, non-confrontational, even-tempered, non-aggressive, low maintenance, unflappable, unworried, unbothered personality and attitude towards life.

7.  You will say “es la vida” (such is life) so many times that you will eventually have it tattooed on your palm so you can simply hold it up and save your breath.

8.  Having taken a driver’s education course in your native country is viewed here as a liability.

9.  You will be confronted with the phrase, “Hello, taxi moto?” regardless if you are walking with the traffic, against the traffic, hiding from the traffic (a.k.a. pissing in a bush) or sitting in a tree.

10. Every guagua* conductor thinks you want to go to Sosua. 

11. Every guagua and carrito driver has a death wish.

12. Pharmacies sell Viagra, Cialis, condoms and occasionally medicine.

13. If a lovely local lady becomes your girlfriend, no matter if you pay her 5000 pesos, 10,000 pesos or 100,000 pesos not to sleep with other men, she will still sleep with other men.

14. The most popular water sports here are surfing, kite boarding, wind surfing, paddle boarding and drowning.

15. The reason the vegetables don’t look fresh at Supermercado Janet is because they were grown on another planet.

16. When we have drought, the city water remains on. When we don't, they shut it off.

17. If you don’t pay your garbage bill, they will not collect it. If you pay your garbage bill, they still won’t.

18. It is now illegal to carry 12 people on a motorcycle. 11 is still OK.

19. If you take away all the souvenir shops, the nail salons, the lottery kiosks, the tour companies and the restaurants, the only place left in town is a stationary store that sells pencils and notebooks.

20. If you see an elderly gringo gentleman walking with an elderly woman, you will think you are hallucinating.
21. There is a high probability that you are.
22. 500 pesos will get you out of any jam, including murder.
23. No one will tell me whose derriere is in this picture.
24. See #6.
25. The unbridled joy of waking up every morning to a stunning Caribbean sunrise and strolling down miles of gorgeous beach speckled with swaying coconut palms framed with tropical mountains set in the distance hiding fertile valleys growing an unimaginable variety of fruits and vegetables, while mingling with an accepting culture of proud people who always greet you with a smile and who value their families and heritage above all else, and ending  your day with a refreshing cocktail while watching the lazy tropical sun slide into the warm ocean waters. All for a little more than you would spend in a major city to park your car.   

Editor's Note: My blog ends here since I have tossed in the towel after discovering the writings of Frank Genao whose unique take on the Dominican Republic is awe inspiring. He publishes on Amazon, I think. (I'm not sure because I'm jealous and hate the bastard.) I want to thank you all for your attention and mostly favorable comments. For those who were a bit more critical, fuck you.