The Dominican Way

Back when God was a bachelor, he found himself lounging around with his drinking buddies watching a glorious sunset. It was Day Seven. He’d just finished creating The World. The wine flowed and as sports hadn’t been invented yet, the conversation turned towards his latest creation.
“Helluva job, God” one of his companions remarked. “I love how you came up with the whole gender thing. I never would’ve thought of that.”
“Yeah”, another piped in. “These sunsets aren’t bad either”.
God nodded and glanced over at Bob who sat quietly munching on an apple.
“You’re awfully silent Bob. Any thoughts? And by the way, how do you like those apples?”
“Actually”, he replied, spitting out a chuck of the core. “There is one thing.”
“Is that so?”, God answered.
“Now don’t get me wrong”, Bob continued. “You’ve done a fantastic job. But it lacks something.”
“Like what?”
“Perfection. 
“Whaddaya mean? I invented the thermos bottle didn’t I?”
“The thermos bottle? No offense, but all that does is keep hot things hot and cold things cold.”
“Yeah, but how does it know?”
“That’s droll, your Divineness. But what I’m getting at is where’s the perfect place?”
“Oh. Care to elaborate?”
“Sure, take Hawaii. Great spot, except for the tsunami’s? Or Florida? I’d live there in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for those swarms of mosquitoes.”
“Or Kansas,” a voice from the back chimed in. “I love those amber waves of grain but what’s with the tornados?”
“OK, I get the point. Y’all think you could’ve done any better?” 
Everyone looked down at their feet until Bob spoke up.
“I have a few suggestions, if you’re in the mood.”
“Try me.”
“Well first it’s gotta be warm, unless you want to slap fur on everything.”
“Yeah, but not too warm,” someone added. “It’ll need some of those mountains, the lush kind that you’re getting really good at.”
“OK, I’m with you. Keep going.”
“It has to be fruitful, like Kansas.” Bob said, picking a seed out of his teeth. “With lots of produce although I’d leave out these apples unless you wanna do something about that core.”
“The core stays. And don’t y’all get too hung up on Kansas. I’ve got glaciers plowing through there in a millennium or two. Anything else?”
“Yeah, lot’s of resources, especially women. You outdid yourself there.”
“Fine. But who’s going to be able to afford a place like that?”
“Easy,” Bob answered. “Make it on the cheap.”
After some of the group had passed out and the rest left, God set to work. What had been open ocean was now the Dominican Republic. And despite the budget constraints, he would’ve gotten it perfect if he hadn’t been on his sixth bottle of mead. Consequently, some things turned out a bit skewed.
Imagine beautiful, long creamy white sand beaches that stretch for miles. Past the shade of soaring coconut palms lie fertile farmlands yielding every type of vegetable & fruit known to man (except apples). Cattle and goats graze beneath mango & almond trees that extend up to terraced hillsides. In the distance, verdant green mountains send their breezes down to cool tobacco and coffee plantations.
Now people all of this splendor with hospitable inhabitants whose main interest lie in getting as little done as possible with the least amount of effort each day. Why wait to turn left into the

flow of traffic when one can simply cut into the oncoming lane? Why install a shower head that requires four screws when two will do? Of course, it’ll soon fall off but that can be dealt with later. Need a rubber band? You’ll find the world’s thinnest here. Most break while they’re still in the bag. The bag itself won’t last long either. Groceries routinely tumble onto the parking lot before you can reach your vehicle.
For cooking, propane gas is the overwhelming choice. No elaborate, life-saving connections are necessary. Just stick a rubber tube on one end and hose clamp it to your oven, which chances are will carry the name brand “Mabe”. You can save big bucks by converting your automobile to propane and sticking a tank in the trunk. When riding in the rear seat it’s comforting to know that less than six inches behind your head is a bomb.
It’s almost impossible to get a speeding ticket in the DR despite posted limits, unless you look like you might have the cash to pay a bribe. That practice works in all governmental systems. You can wait for months dealing with red tape or hand the guy $10.00 and walk out with your document. (Personally, I’m a huge fan of the later.) Caveat emptor is the rule of law here. Electricians aren’t licensed, nor are plumbers. Wanna sell real estate? Just rent a storefront. No accreditation required. I’m considering opening up a medical practice. It’s my guess I can buy a diploma out of somebody‘s trunk. Of course I won’t be foolish enough to actually see any patients (although gynecology is tempting), but I like the idea of being called “Doctor”. 
What I find especially interesting is how outsiders react to this boundless freedom. I’ve listened to countless discussions from fellow extranjeros that begin with, “Why don’t they just….” Last night I sat in a bar with a Canadian woman who complained about folks that stop their cars in the middle of a busy highway to converse with friends. My answer was, “Of course they do. You don’t think they’d stop to talk to complete strangers, do you?“ 
She was missing the obvious. The reason for these actions is quite simple. They’re Dominicans and I for one champion their cause. It’s well understood in academic circles that if you want to learn Spanish, you need to think in Spanish. Well, if you want to enjoy this country to its fullest, you gotta think like a Dominican.
The DR’s about as liberated as one can get in this modern age. If you keep a low profile and a pocketful of pesos (just in case), you’ll breeze through life here. And if you work hard enough, correction; easy enough, you just might end up living as long as most of them do.